Microsoft recently released its new Windows 2000. What are some of the features of the new operating system? * Crashes up to 300 percent faster than Windows '98 * Comes with free webcam, which must be kept on at all times * Fully Y2K compliant * Special "cost" feature increases Bill Gates' wealth * Lets you play exiting games like Minesweeper, Solitaire, and Mindlessly-Add-Up-The-Numbers-40-Hours-A-Week * New bathroom break scheduler * Instructs computer to thunder, "I love you, organic master!" at random intervals * Conveniently forwards all e-mail to Redmond, WA -- The Onion